Lookout
I left my job in July. After working for the same company for nearly twenty years, I left. They did nothing wrong. My co-workers were heaven. My boss is family. The work was easy and fulfilling. I had no reason to leave.
However, I felt this mandate over me- almost an ultimatum- to leave. The discomfort of sitting at my desk knowing it was time to go was heavy. I couldn’t find the logic in leaving. There were times that a wave of certainty would come over me as I sat alone in my office. I would end up in tears. I didn’t want to go. This job was financial security. This job was safe. This job was home. I never imagined having this job, to begin with, let alone falling in love with it and the relationships that came out of it. How was I supposed to handle falling out of love with it and losing proximity to the people in the relationships built?
I prayed harder than I had ever prayed.
I sought advice from people I trusted.
I fasted.
I yelled.
I cried.
I cursed.
Through the fear of leaving, the consistent peace I would find was in God. Every worry I had was quickly pacified. Every concern that left my mouth was snatched immediately.
“What am I supposed to do?
-“I’ll show you.”
“This paycheck is pretty secure.”
-“You are safe with me.”
“What about my tithe?”
-”I want your heart.”
“It’s not fair to put the responsibility of our household on Hermann.”
-“He’s a leader.”
“Am I just supposed to sit at home?”
-“Sit with me.”
On January 31, 2022, I informed my boss of my plans to not return. I was nervous and I honestly regretted it as soon as I walked out of her office. I spent a lot of time- months, debating whether or not I had made the right decision. In fact, even though I could have done it in advance, I didn’t immediately submit separation paperwork just in case I misheard God.
I finally slightly caved and said to God, “Ok! You know me. You made me. You know the fears that I have. You know how to calm the raging waters within me. If this is what I’m supposed to do, I need you to make it plain as day.” I prayed and I waited.
I didn’t feel much of anything after that. Subconsciously, that prayer made me feel like I was back in control. My defense was on point. The ball was back in God’s court and if He needed me to do something, He would have to let me know. I was simply waiting on His next move.
Sometime in March, my husband called me while I was at work and gave me the news that his next job assignment would be in Hawai’i. He followed that news with more news. His boss was willing to allow my son and me to go with him! All we had to do was pay for our flights and meals. Who gets that lucky? We didn’t hesitate to say yes.
I remember being on the Lāna’i Lookout in Oahu and feeling surrounded by God’s majesty. The clouds were nested high enough in the sky, as though they were commanded to not interfere with the view. The layers in the rocks mimicked fingerprints, each layer having a unique story to tell of the waves that have passionately kissed them. The sound of the waves crashing and the mist that landed on my face felt like an eager greeting from nature. The water was a blue that I will never see anywhere else- so rich and crisp. The Pacific Ocean and the sky married harmoniously. They weren’t threatened by one another. They each knew their start and end. The waters surrounding me, though I knew were raging, offered a placidity that made me feel like they had been waiting for me- that I was enough to stop for.
Though I wasn’t the only person on the lookout, that moment felt intimate. Personal. Intentional.
Being in nature can lead you to reflect on the story of creation, but my mind wandered to the Book of Job. There’s a time in the Book of Job when God finally speaks to him. This comes after Job has bickered with three of his friends regarding the intricacies of God’s justice through suffering. Job is done with the back and forth and demands that God Himself responds to him. His defense was also on point.
Oddly enough, God did respond to Job. Instead of explaining the perplexity of suffering, God came with a list of rhetorical questions that would ultimately humble Job. As I stood on the lookout, those questions rained over me.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!” Job 38:4-5
“Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. What is the way to the abode of the light? And where does darkness reside?” Job 38:18-19
“Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!” Job 38:21
“Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no one lives, an uninhabited desert, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass?” Job 38:25-27
It was on Lāna’i Lookout that God turned my doubt into conviction. It was a space where all of my worries were forcefully muted and God’s assurance was amplified. The assurance wasn’t in knowing that all of my plans would come to light. None of it was about me. The promise was in everything God was, is, and continues to be. The roots of the majesty in front of me were in the middle of a romantic dance before I ever existed. Before my doubts, questions, and concerns consumed me, the waves of the water before me had been bowing in worship. The salt in the air, the breeze in my hair, the sporadic rain showers, the forthright rainbows, the hills, the stillness, the warmth of the sun bouncing off the water, the gradience of blues- it all existed before I did. It’s so simple, yet so complex and God braided Himself into all of it. The God of this majesty is also the God of my trepidations.
I wish I could say that I left Hawai’i without any fear about what was coming next, but that would be a lie. I was still scared. What I left with was a shift in my focus. My fear was paralyzing. Knowing that God was in control regardless of what my road looked like was freeing. I decided to trust God amid all that fear.
That November, my husband called me to say he had more work in Hawai’i and the offer to take his family was on the table again. My son wasn’t able to make it, but I jumped at the opportunity. This time, we would visit three islands over one week. My husband would work early mornings through mid-afternoon, allowing me to wander around the island alone. I can’t tell you how many beaches my feet landed on.
No matter where I was standing, I was desperate to hear from God.
I made sure I was intentional. I began each moment with prayer and a desperate plea to God. I needed Him to speak to me. I didn’t care to know what was next for me and there wasn’t anything in particular that I needed Him to say. I just knew that if I was in Hawai’i again, I wanted Him to meet me there. I would catch myself whispering, “I’m listening. I’m listening. I’m listening.” as I anticipated a response.
All I heard was, “I love you.”
First beach. “I love you.”
Second beach. “I love you.”
Car ride. “I love you.”
Under a blanket of stars. “I love you.”
Toes in the sand. “I love you.”
Each time I heard it, I anticipated more. More never came.
When more didn’t come, I wondered if I was the problem. Was I distracted? Maybe He had nothing to say. Maybe I was making this moment more mystical than it needed to be. But you see, I have been on this beautiful journey of becoming acquainted with God. I’ve spent hours in His word so that I could familiarize myself with His voice, the words He uses, and the power with which He speaks. Simplifying “I love you” was simplifying a God I had learned to be intimate with. There is nothing simple about Him. There was nothing simple about this “I love you.”
When I took that sentence for what it was, I came to the realization that God was telling me that nothing else needed to come with that “I love you.” Nothing needed to happen before and nothing needed to happen after.
God loves the girl who finds shame in the pain she’s carried since she was a child.
God loves the girl who had anxiety attacks before she was ever able to label them.
God loves the girl who felt abandoned.
God loves the girl who cried herself to sleep.
God loves the girl who didn’t know how to voice that she needed a hug.
God loves the girl who used relationship after relationship to fill an insatiable hole.
God loves the girl who drank until she passed out.
God loves the girl who knew that words hurt and used them as her weapon of choice.
God loves the girl that was sexually harassed.
God loves the girl who was a victim of domestic violence.
God loves the girl who cursed Him.
God loves the girl who yelled at Him.
God loves the girl who wanted to die.
God loves the girl who was on the phone with the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
God loves the girl who put on a smile so big that it became what she was known for.
At that point in my life, I believed God was omnipresent- as long as we weren’t looking too far back. I chalked it up to healing when truly, it was unbelief. I couldn’t see how God existed in the cold and dark corners of my life, so I stopped going there myself. I dissociated from all the parts of me that weren't pretty, whether I did it to myself or I fell victim at the hands of someone else. To appear strong, I omitted the areas of my life that had slowly chiseled away at me. I hated them. I hated myself.
The problem with hating myself and being on a walk with God is that I was turning my nose up at His creation. God doesn’t make junk, even when parts of me or my life feel like clutter. God needed me to see where the holes in my faith were and the only way to do this was by interrupting my hate with His good love. He didn’t do this to mock me, ridicule me, bring me shame, or stop my forward motion, but rather, He did this to show me that He wanted all of me- even the parts that I had gotten good at hiding. Until I understood how much He loved me, I would never learn to love myself. He cares enough for His children to make this a priority.
For many reasons, Hawai’i will always have a special place in my heart, but I will forever remember it as the place where God met me. It’s the place where I sat still enough to bump into his reckless love. It’s where God made it clear as day why He was asking me to break away from something so dear to me.
I couldn’t figure out what was so wrong with my job that I had to leave it. I didn’t realize that God wasn’t trying to point out defects in my job. He was shining a light on something that was causing a separation in my relationship with Him. I looked at the twenty years spent there and considered myself loyal. God saw complacency. God saw fear. God saw a lack of self-confidence. He knew that I was seeking a shift in my life, but I hadn’t realized that the shift could only begin when I made move. I wasn’t waiting on God. God was waiting on me.
He wanted every piece of me and knew it was going to take a while.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Other international suicide helplines can be found at https://www.befrienders.org. You can also text TALK to 741741 for free, anonymous, 24/7 crisis support in the US and UK from the Crisis Text Line.
If you need prayer, text PRAYER to 73000.
If you’re looking for a church home, visit https://www.shorelinecity.church.
